What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
