I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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