when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
