Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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