In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
