last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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