I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
