im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
