And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
