Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
We smell like vodka and hangover
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