I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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