i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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