I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
