My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
