Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
