Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
