Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
