his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
