Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
