you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
