just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my being single is dangerous.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
don't judge my taste in strippers
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
