I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
