Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
