Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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