If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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