What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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