I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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