I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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