Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
