Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
