this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
