Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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