you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
