Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
