Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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