pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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