Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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