Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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