She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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