best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
