dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
