after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
