You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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