i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's like heaven, but drunker
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
