saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
