surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
