You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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