Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
