I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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