the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
