I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
