It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
