it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
