Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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