i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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