dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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