Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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