Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
